7/01/2010

Late Night Self-Reflection

Last night, I laughed with Jay Leno's late night show and I hit the sack soon after. I look up to the lit sky of Orange County through my living room windows while laying down on my white lounge sofa, trying to fall asleep. The Hub has been away for four days now and sleeping on the bed by myself, makes me feel empty. So I switched. Downstairs, I try to sleep and I realized once looking up the orangey starry sky, I felt even lonelier. With reportedly 3 million in population compare to 1.5 million people in Penang, I know no one here. Scary thoughts.

It has been two years and my life is still at its resetting mode. Although I now know my way around town, I still do not know a lot of people. I've been approached by direct selling folks often time than not, assuming I have the freedom to be self-employed. One after another, I reject stating my reasons. I can't blame them not understanding my situation but after what seem like four hundred and thirty two times, I am frustratingly annoyed and then slowly, I became embarrassed and then I stop explaining altogether giving lame, vague reasons like "I can't, I am super busy". They must have think of me as a la-diva housewife of OC but ah, whatever!

The regulation of our green card application has put my life on a halt. Thankfully though, the application has been approved and what we are waiting for now is for the government to change our immigration status. That process can take from months up to several years depending on the country's population. Good for us, Malaysia is not an over-populated nation so, it will take a shorter time but we are never inform how soon it will be. It's still ridiculous, don't you think? Just a flip of one visa to another and it takes months to do it?? Sigh!

I know, I chose this path and I have to walk it now. If not for Hushby, I would have made a U-turn and go home. He and I knew, neither one of us could walk this path alone. It is painful and meaningless.

Hence, the wait, then the slowdown and the loneliness. For him, it's a little easier as he goes to work, he meets people around his age and have things in common. I go to school and I meet fresh out of high school kids. Either that or I meet people my age and they are either working or a stay-at-home mom. And because of that, I don't have a lot of things in common with people. I didn't know being 28 can be so diverse! Plus I'm shy, so that makes matter worse.

So here I am, in the dark, under the clear orangey sky with Piper by my side; instead of trying to sleep, I reflected on life in Orange County, which is partly positive but I can't help feeling a little upset about how stuck I feel. I knew wallowing in self-pity is never going to get me anywhere. Then, Hushby's message before he left to Boston, rang in my ear, "... dear, things can only get better". I quickly concentrate on my breath and adjust my deepen, darker thoughts to shallower, brighter ones. Something I learn from meditating in a recent yoga class. My perspective became clearer and brighter. I became more hopeful and at that instant, I fell asleep.

1 comment:

janediva said...

At least you have Hushby by your side to walk this path, you will get there eventually.

Things will get better :)